March 19th, 2019

// March Madness TV and Prolonged Sitting Lead to Sweaty Backsides and Stupider Americans

‘We are against the diminishment of critical thought and the prescribed acceptance of how things are supposed to be because someone on tv said so.’

March Madness TV and Prolonged Sitting Lead to Sweaty Backsides and Stupider Americans

March 19, 2019 — Sweaty backsides, soaked underwear, and related ‘stank’ will afflict millions of men during the NCAA basketball tournament this month, according to the makers of SwampButt Underwear. But there are other deleterious side effects from protracted sitting and staring at the television. Prolonged inactivity by men who sweat more than normal leads to a sweaty backside which means there will be butts stuck to chairs, sofas and barstools along with the inevitable butt prints left as a calling card that says, ‘a fat guy was sitting here.’ Swamp butt does not discriminate, it can and does strike the most good natured and generous among us. As bad as sitting for hours is for clothes and furniture it’s worse for the human brain.

TV Makes Us Stupid and Poorer Judges of Everything

A dangerously bad effect of excessive television watching, the way millions will during ‘March Madness’, is that it can hinder the ability to think. Whether on a table or wall mounted unit or hand held internet device, television delivers quick information, opinions positioned as facts, speculation as accomplished, analysis and criticism for just about everything in the world of sports. It leads us to stop using our own critical thinking skills and be led by ‘what the tv said.’ 

What the TV Said

As a consequence, American sports fans are easily misinformed and manipulated, same as voters. “You hear and see on TV that ‘Coach K’ and Duke are the greatest, or that none of the LSU players knew anything about their coach and all that stuff on tape and are shocked, shocked to learn about this,” said indignant basketball fan and SwampButt Underwear spokesman Nick Heraldson. “When enough people believe any of these, they become de-facto doctrines,” Heraldson said. “Once the basketball viewing public accepts that ‘one and done’ at Duke is acceptable and good for the game then it is.”

Sports reporters in general and ESPN in particular decide which schools are deserving and which ones are not. Duke, North Carolina, Gonzaga, LSU, Texas, and Michigan State are examples of the ordained and acceptable. Houston, Cincinnati, Texas A&M, Iowa State, Northwestern, Sam Houston State, or Ole Miss are not part of the basketball elite. So, they are ranked lower, get worse seeds in the tournament, if they are invited at all, and are sent to the least desirable locations. (Yes, we know Texas is in the NIT). 

The TV and March Madness are Bad for Your Health

A study conducted by researchers at the Harvard School of Public Health indicates that watching too much television can significantly increase the risk of developing obesity and type 2 diabetes. Another study carried out at the University of Rhode Island found that prolonged television watching decreases viewers’ sense of self-efficacy in maintaining personal health. And these are just a couple of studies among dozens. “So perhaps you’d be better off if you limited the time you spend keeping your body immobile staring at an electronic screen,” Heraldson asked rhetorically. “I see friends, family and complete strangers stuck to the couch like a fly on a toffee,” said Heraldson. “Staring at the tv hour after hour, sometimes not even blinking. It’s not normal.”

March, Meh

March is an odd month. It’s not winter but not really spring. It has two unofficial holidays in Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day and one official in the President’s Day holiday but none of those has the ‘let’s all go see the family’ whimsy of a Thanksgiving or July 4th. The one thing March does have that makes it uniquely ‘endearing’ is the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. Sixty-four schools’ men’s basketball teams will play single elimination games and advance to a championship series with the remaining four teams, known as the ‘final four.’ The final four is in 2019 is in Minneapolis-St. Paul, MN this year. Minneapolis is an odd choice given that winter lasts there through mid-June.

A few thousand lucky people will get to attend the final four in person. But tens of millions will watch the games on television, or some internet-based hand-held device. More people still gamble on the tournament by selecting winners from each game in their ‘brackets.’ It’s fun, relatively inexpensive and gives people in offices something to talk about that is not work related. “Don’t misunderstand, we are not against fun,” Heraldson said defensively. “We aren’t even against sweaty butts given the business we are in. But we are against the diminishment of critical thought and the prescribed acceptance of how things are supposed to be because someone on tv said so.” 

About SwampButt Underwear

SwampButt Underwear™ is a real company that makes and sells a product that helps to solve a problem. SwampButt Underwear™ is trademarked in the U.S. and foreign countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use it without written permission. 

CAPTION: Too much television makes viewers fatter and stupider.

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